Football's Knights Highlight The Idiocy Of The Anachronistic Honours System
The deeply uninspiring Starmer recognised a kindred spirit in Southgate but compared to the likes of Jim Ratcliffe and Philip Green, Sir Gareth is one of the better appointments
IT’S APPROPRIATE THAT Gareth Southgate should be knighted in Keir Starmer’s first new year’s honours list. There’s something deeply uninspiring about both men.
Don’t get me wrong. A Tory government would have given the former England manager a title, too. Southgate and Starmer are hugely successful individuals and each has an admirable track record. Neither, whatever you think about them, is a blagger. Each earned their position in their working life.
Yet they suffer from an innate caution – dare we say small-c conservatism? – that means they are unable to take advantage of the opportunities presented to them. Southgate was given the England job after four painful years of Roy Hodgson and one surreal 90 minutes of Sam Allardyce. In that environment, even a M&S man like Southgate looked like a breath of fresh air.
He inherited a youthful squad full of pace. But they were never let off the leash. Even at 1-0 up in the final of the Euros at Wembley, with Italy run ragged for the first 35 minutes of the game, a creeping nervousness overtook England. Southgate was famous for damning Sven-Goran Eriksson for his half-time team talk against Brazil in the 2002 World Cup quarter final. “We were expecting Churchill and instead got Iain Duncan Smith,” Southgate is reputed to have said.
The Swede must have sniggered as Italy grew into the game in the second period of the 2021 showpiece. That was not Southgate’s finest hour.
Reaching two finals – the second was the 2-1 defeat by Spain last summer – feels about par for the players that England had available for selection during the Southgate era. Forget all that bullshit about ‘golden generations’ but it’s hard to escape the conclusion that there was at least one trophy there to be won under Sir Gareth’s tenure. He came up short.
Starmer inherited a country desperate for change. He was elected in a landslide. With a bit of vision, he could consign the Conservative party to the wilderness for a generation or two and sweep aside the idiocy of Reform. But no. He’s another leader who looks like he can’t get his team, or the country, over the hump.
The honours system is an anachronism. It’s the rancid aftersmell of a failing culture. Many of its appointments feel stale. These two sirs, Keir and Gareth, exude a lack of dynamism that is depressing.
Glazers laughing at Monaco Jim
Jim Ratcliffe, another knight of the realm, isn’t exactly an advert for all this sword-on-the-shoulders nonsense. The tax-exile patriot and billionaire has had the stupid-arse side of his character well and truly exposed by Manchester United.
How the Glazers must be sniggering.
Ratcliffe bought into Old Trafford just over a year ago and assumed responsibility for the football operations. His stake is heading for 30 per cent.
The best analogy I can come up with is that the Glazers mortally wounded United and, while the body of the club was gasping for breath, found a patsy to take the blame in case things get worse.
Along comes Monaco Jim, full of Brexit, bullshit and marginal gains, thinking he can cure the victim by getting rid of the lowest paid staff. The headline figure for savings – £10 million – is chickenfeed in Premier League terms.
But it gives the illusion of management. It makes the new guys look like they’re doing something, being proactive. Meanwhile, the team are sliding deeper down the shitter.
The Glazers are off the hook while still creaming cash from United. Now, that would be the place to start clawing back losses. But Sir Stupid Arse of Monte Carlo signed a deal that leaves the Glazers almost fireproof.
I wonder if Joel, Avram and the rest call him ‘Sir Jim?’ If so, they must be pissing themselves laughing.
Positive change at Everton
One of the best things that happened in 2024 was the sale of Everton to the Friedkin Group. At last there’s a chance of some transparency at Goodision.
The Friedkins are not a panacea for Everton. Many of those who have dealt with Dan Friedkin at Roma are not complimentary. Reviving the club will not be easy and the American owners will be learning on the job.
But, at the very least, we’ll know where the buck stops at Everton. For the first time in more than two decades.
During the Bill Kenwright era, Sir Philip Green – jeez, that honours system throws up some beauties, doesn’t it? – was the decision maker for Everton. Farhad Moshiri’s relationship with Alisher Usmanov was problematic, to say the least.
Now, we can be relatively sure that the name over the door at Goodison belongs to the owner. It’s been a very long time since we could say that with any certainty.