Happy Birthday To Me: At 64, What Have I Learnt?

Not much. Still as daft as ever

“Will you still need me, will you still feed me, When I’m sixty-four.”

YES, I’VE REACHED that milestone today. It used to be a big deal: retirement age for men. That’s long gone. As someone without a financial safety net, I expect to work until I die.

Just as well I’ve got more energy that I ever believed possible at this age. Despite a knee that’s in need of replacement, I’ve started running again. If you can call it running. Pedestrians pass me as I plod along to a 13-minute mile pace. But, in terms of knowledge, vigour and experience, things are as good as they can be for a semi geriatric.

So what have I learnt in almost six and a half decades?

Not enough. But here goes. A bunch of random, off-the-cuff thoughts.

• I was told when young that I’d get more conservative as I grew older. Nope, I’ve only got angrier. If you do grow into right-wing views – even if you’re from what you think is a working-class background – it’s worth checking your privilege. You probably began from a better starting position than you think. Or you’re an arsehole.

• People look down in anger, which is stupid. They blame those who have less for their problems when they should be furious at those who have more. I’ll never understand this thought process.

• There are enough resources in the UK to eradicate poverty. It’s just how we choose to allocate them. In my lifetime we’ve seen a massive transfer of wealth from the middle earners to the fabulously wealthy. And still those middle earners queue up to vote against their own interests.

• A nation that values Oasis is fucked.

• Public schools don’t produce more intelligent people but they instil mindboggling confidence in their alumni. As an associated issue, it’s better to be well connected than good at what you do.

• Blag works better than brains.

• Tattoos were seriously edgy when I was young. Now they’re so suburban.

• Travel whenever you can afford it. Have as many adventures as possible.

• Try not to be a prick. Unless it’s aimed at bigger pricks.

• Drink good beer. No one should consume the likes of Carling. Guinness is rubbish, too. Don’t fall for the myths. Go for taste.

• Only an idiot supports their country or football team unconditionally. You’re not a zombie. Don’t act like one.

• The past is different but not necessarily better.

• Being young is great but it’s a narrow window. Enjoy it.

• Don’t be scared of the opposite sex. You’re probably more attractive than you think. It’s a shame to look back at photos of yourself 30 years on and go, ‘bloody hell, I looked great.’ Leverage your youth (I have no idea what that means but it sounds good).

• Spend eight minutes a day cleaning your teeth. You won’t regret it.

• Read. Books engender an imaginative mindset. It forces your brain to create scenarios and scenes. TV and film fill in the gaps for you.

• Accept that every generation will see football, music and culture through its own lens. It’s silly to be grumpy because you enjoy the experience less when young people are thrilled by what they’re seeing.

• And accept that youngsters are excited about seeing something for the first time even though you’ve lived through the same scenario more than once. You were like them when you were their age.

• Exercise. Fat creeps up on you, the fascist bastard. Then it’s hard to shake, like a right-wing government.

• Don’t expect justice. Fight for it, but there’s a 99 per cent chance you’re going to lose.

• Resistance is an end in itself.

• It’s foolish to want to be someone else. You can only be yourself. Embrace your own identity. Paul Weller was one of my heroes when I was young but I never wanted to be him. I wanted to be me in his position.

• Try not to take your anger out on people who love you.

I’m bored now. An old man shaking my first at a cloud. An icloud.

Oh, but a couple of final points. National newspapers no longer seem interested in my work but I’m not finished with writing. Sod them.

If you care what anyone thinks of you, you’re deluded. Most people hardly think about you at all. So do your own thing.

Thanks for your support. Here’s to a wild 65th year.